GOD’S REMINDER: “When you come looking for Me, you'll find Me. Yes, when you get serious about finding Me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed" (Jeremiah 29:13).
NOTE TO SELF: Ugh. Where is God when I need Him? Why don’t I “feel” anything when I talk to Him? Why won’t He answer me?
If you feel like you’re talking to a wall when you talk to God, let me ask you this: Are you serious about finding Him and want it more than anything else in the world?
For many, many years I felt God’s tugging on my life. He showed up here and there, showing me that He cared. All those years I would cry out to God to help me, but the problem was that I didn’t really WANT to be changed. I wasn’t willing to let go of things or give up my life for God. I saw God as boring and rigid. In my eyes, I thought I had it pretty good. I lived a wild life of rock and roll, was VERY notorious as the party girl, and people liked that about me. I wasn’t willing to let that go.
So my cries to God were futile, even though they didn’t land on deaf ears. He heard me, and kept drawing me in (knowing I was at least interested), until one day I was ready to let it all go; ready to let God have control.
The first time I attended Trinity Chapel in Knoxville, Tennessee I was utterly blown away by what I saw and experienced. As a music lover, the music was rockin’ and the people were dancing and singing their hearts out! There was one woman in particular, who is now a very dear friend of mine, who sang and danced before God in pure love and honesty. Her heart was beaming and her joy was beyond anything I’d ever seen before…at least sober. In my mind I said—no screamed in delight, “I NEED TO KNOW THAT!”
A lot of people came and went in my life, ministering to me, talking about “the love of Jesus,” but seeing it was what convinced me that I had to have it—all or nothing! If I could feel like that woman, without alcohol or cocaine, well then this whole “God thing” was definitely for me!
I was ready. I wanted God more than ANYTHING else! I had to know God like she did. I had to know this God of joy and music and love. I was raised Catholic with humdrum hymns and boring lectures on how rotten I was. NO ONE TOLD ME I COULD KNOW THE LOVE OF GOD TO MY VERY CORE!
So that night I called on Jesus to save me, to rescue me, to set me free, to let me know that joy and peace. I had to have Him. I had to. And I cried out that night with everything I had in me, and then I told the devil to go straight back to hell because I wasn’t going to let him ruin me anymore. I confessed that I was a sinner and I eagerly welcomed Christ into my heart. I didn’t know what would happen, or if anything at all would happen. I just knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had to know this God of love that I never heard of before.
That night I went to sleep and had vivid visions of gold and bright lights, like a train coming at me, but it was…Heavenly and holy. I saw the Lord before me and felt love consume me, overwhelming me. While it was silent, I heard this loud “whoosh” enter me and I suddenly felt whole.
When I woke up the next morning the first thing out of my mouth was, “Thank You, Jesus!” And I saw and heard and experienced things as if I were in a totally different realm. Like I was in a spirit world, looking at the outside world. I felt like a totally different and new person. Colors were vivid, sounds were glorious, and I had no doubt that God was real and alive within me. I was cleansed (delivered) of drugs and alcohol and sexual relations. I had a strong urge to please God and do good, and it wasn’t by anything I controlled, it was totally supernatural.
This scripture is true because I lived it. And if you TRULY desire to know God and His unfailing, relentless, glorious love, then you need to decide that nothing else matters. You have to be ready to let God take out of your life what is unhealthy and causing you misery…even if you think it’s “fun stuff.” You have to want God with your whole heart, not just bits and pieces. I promise, and God promises, He will not disappoint when you are serious about finding Him.
The picture is of my son, Tavin, a couple of years ago. He was gazing heavenward at the beautiful clouds over the lake. But there was something so innocent and humbling about it that makes me want to see God the way a child does.