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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Aftermath of My Mother's Death

For the past few weeks I've been behind on nearly everything. I can't seem to find the energy or desire to do anything. And then yesterday I was put on a blog tour to review the book, Aftermath: Growing in Grace Through Grace, by Margaret McSweeney. Having a stack of books I still need to read and review, and only receiving the book a few days ago, I realized I better crack the book open and start "reviewing."

Within the first few pages I was nearly paralyzed in grief. A few pages later I realized what my problem is: I'm grieving the loss of my mother but trying to live my life like nothing's happened. And when brief thoughts enter my mind that my mother is gone, I immediately push it away and numb my mind with facebook or Pinterest.

I'm also struggling with the fact that although my husband has been my sturdy stone (because Christ is my Rock), my friends have been nowhere to be found. I've had one friend who has consistently called me to check in on me and see how I'm doing. I love him so much for that, because it feels as if no one cares.

"Simply being with someone who is grieving is a huge source of support--holding space and letting them know you just want to be with them...You will be there to support them in any way they want, whether it be talking, listening, or just hanging out." (pg. 27)

And another friend previous offered for me to meet up with a bunch of people for lunch and shopping, but at the time I just didn't want that kind of "excitement."

I then got caught up in politics again, and found myself releasing my anger in other formats and venues...temporary fixes. But where do I go with this real anger that eats at me every day, especially when life just doesn't seem to care to give me a moment's rest?

I've yet to have any stretch of time where I'm not fixated on some ridiculous mess happening in my life. Who has time to grieve when you're worried you'll run out of the insurance money before winter--when we'll really need it--because your husband's employer continuously "forgets" to put him on the schedule for an entire week? Who has time to grieve when your three year old has learned how to back talk and you spend 99% of your time trying to teach him right from wrong and feel utterly exhausted by the end of the day? I barely have time to read a full chapter of a book in one week. And when I get behind on my daily Bible reading, which is often, I'm completely lost. Put that all together and I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed with boxes and boxes of my mother's items that I long to keep but have no need for. I dread throwing them away, wondering if someday I'll wish I hadn't done it. But if I don't do something, I will end up living in one of those homes you see on the TV show, Hoarders, and I canNOT live like that. But I don't have the energy to clean. Or cook. Or go for walks. Or play with Tavin. What I really want to do is sit in silence for 7 days straight. I want to sleep, which I can't do either. I need rest, which I can't get. I want time to do things I love to do, like read, scrapbook, journal, or write my blog. But I simply don't have it in me...

This aftermath is a messymath. Nothing adds up in my head anymore. It's just one big, gigantic mess. And I know I'm grieving, but I wish I knew how to do it better. I hope this book will help me, but instead I'm finding myself crying through it an awful lot. God help me...

693432: Aftermath: Growing in Grace Through Grief Aftermath: Growing in Grace Through Grief
By Margaret McSweeney

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