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Friday, May 11, 2012

The Suffering of Faith

This is the suffering of my faith:

I can't even begin to tell you the "suffering" I've been enduring lately. It seems it will never end. I am aching to see God's hand in my life. I've been crying out and feel so abandoned.

Last night we received more bad news.

We started the day out feeling discouraged because of everything crashing around us, but after we met Tavin's specialist and he indicated that "nothing is seriously wrong," we found ourselves suddenly uplifted and hopeful again.

We get brief moments like that. But they never last long.

The bad news began three years ago, and has continued to hover over us like a dark cloud. My mom's cancer, Jared's injury and job loss, our battle to win a lawsuit against Jared's injury, Tavin's sickness (which started at birth, one thing after another). The list could go on and on.

Jared is usually working by now. May through September are busy months in the boating industry. We weren't concerned back in April about how we'd survive another month on unemployment in May, because Jared got a job as a Captain in Chicago making five times more money than he did last year. (I can't even begin to tell you how elated we were to finally see a light at the end of our deep, dark tunnel.) That job fell through when they admitted they had "over-estimated" their need for Captains. He soon realized that his old company wasn't asking him back for the upcoming season either. So Jared went back on the dreaded job hunt.

He was soon interviewed and hired for another Captain job in Milwaukee, and they had indicated he'd be working within the next week. That was two weeks ago. We figured by the very least, he'd be starting next week, but unfortunately, as he received his Captain's Report for the upcoming two week schedule, he was not on the Captain's list. That means no work until possibly June!

As if this weren't bad enough (as I mentioned, Jared is usually working full time by now), his unemployment ran out. They told him that he would automatically be renewed for the extension and all he had to do was keep filing. But Tuesday rolled around and the money hadn't come in. After countless calls and never being able to get through, he finally received a notice in the mail yesterday that it will take up to 21 days for his eligibility to kick in.

Let me tell you about May: Mother's Day, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, and Tavin's birthday.

I don't care much about my birthday, and Jared and I tend to celebrate our anniversary in October when we first started dating...but Tavin's birthday. We have no means of celebrating this year unless we put everything on credit. But because we've had to do that all winter long, the thought of digger us deeper in a hole angers me to no end.

This can't be God's will for my life...or can it?

The bad news never stops. Sure we got somewhat good news about Tavin, but we still haven't resolved his issue, either. He's still in pain most of the time, but because they can't find anything wrong and he's "growing just fine," they won't even bother to figure out why he's suffering. It's just something that Tavin apparently needs to suffer through, too.

Last night I silently let the burning tears stream down my eyes, gasped for air, and felt my heart racing as the rage surged through my veins.

God, where are you!?

I've been standing on hopeful faith for so long, and now I'm dangling over the edge. I don't see hope anymore. I don't see God anywhere.

Keep a firm grip on the faith...

I don't know how anymore, God. I don't know how...

My faith is suffering a slow and fatal death.

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