"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what He has done, collecting a following for Him" (1 Corinthians 1:17)

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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

She’s Got Issues Week 3

And boy do I ever!

My issues began nearly four years ago. My husband was injured on the job and we lost the majority of our income because of that, and my mother found out her breast cancer had come back after 14 years in remission.

When I started this online study I was very excited at the prospect of getting over my issues with the help of some online support. In the beginning, we all seemed excited and pumped to get started. That fizzled by the first week.

Unfortunately, with week two came my own personal family issues. And with only one response to the discussion questions, I had to make a decision about the group. I had hoped for a healthy flow, but apparently I just didn’t know how to keep everyone actively involved without pushing the subject.

I had already read the book, but it still took me several hours to put together my notes and quotes from the 2 chapters. I had to decide if I was getting a return on my investment, so to speak, and unfortunately I had to make the tough choice to end the study due to lack of participation and my own lack of time to invest in it.

(It's been brought to my attention that I didn't make the links accessible enough, so I must have missed the mark. I'm sorry if that's what the problem was. I thought I had it covered by posting it on facebook, Pinterest, and Google+, as well as sending out emails that it would be posted every Tuesday with a direct link to my site. So I truly apologize if that's what the problem was. I truly wished someone would have said something so I could have rectified the problem. Now I just feel awful!)

The Whys

Nicole asked us at the beginning to journal our whys. And this is one of the reasons I had to end this study at this time:

My mom was hospitalized a few days before Mother’s Day and was released that Monday. By Tuesday evening she was back in again. This time we found out that her liver is shutting down and there’s nothing that can be done for her anymore.

The cancer is closing in on her.

She is now at home, per her final wish to die at home, and Hospice is currently helping her as much as she’s allowing them to. She has always been a very independent woman, and that hasn’t changed. She doesn’t want, or feel she needs, anyone’s help despite her weakness and inability to get around on her own. We are all trying to accommodate her wishes, as difficult as that may be on all of us.

As many of us were trying to let go of some of our control last week, my mom was grasping to keep some of hers.

Her emotional state of mind is quickly turning for the worse. She’s angry and lashing out at everyone. She kicks us out and has no desire to be around anyone. She’s refusing our help and rejecting our love.

She’s not eating or drinking. She’s supposed to be drinking Ensure with protein to help build her strength, but she refuses to drink it despite its benefits because it tastes like… (She’s not very nice right now, so you can fill in the blanks.)

This wasn’t how I expected her last and final days to be. These are NOT the memories I care to carry around with me for the rest of my life. I’ve experienced enough heartache and pain from her the majority of my life, and now it’s starting all over again.

So while I may have issues, my mother has greater issues that need my attention. Very soon she will need round the clock assistance, and I will need to be there. That is only a matter or time, and each day is a waiting game. Everything changes at a moment’s notice. I’m lucky to have even gotten the time to write this today, but that’s because my husband’s parents drove in from Utah to help us out.

I feel awful that the group fizzled so quickly. I had high hopes for all of us, and even had Nicole agree to a Q&A session at the end of the study. I don’t know why we lacked participation, but with everything going on in my life right now I just didn’t have the time to keep up myself. I guess everything happens for a reason…

May we continue to be transformed by God
regardless of where or how we do it!
Be blessed and remain hopeful,

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