"God didn't send me out to collect a following for myself, but to preach the Message of what He has done, collecting a following for Him" (1 Corinthians 1:17)

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Monday, December 19, 2011

My Own Understanding

Proverbs 3:5

“Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.”

I have been incredibly selfish.

I lost sight of this blog over a month ago because I stopped trusting God. I felt abandoned. Doesn’t sound good coming from someone who is writing “inspirational” devotions and blogs, does it? I no longer felt worthy of writing this blog, and most importantly, I felt I had no real connection to God anymore and this whole idea was seemingly pointless.

I just figured out that this was the very reason I should have kept writing. Because don’t we all feel like that from time to time? Don’t we all feel abandoned by God? Don’t we all stop trusting God for a day or two, or even 365 days or more?

The problem wasn’t that I “stopped” trusting God; the real issue was that I hadn’t trusted Him from the beginning. And just because I’m telling you this today doesn’t mean I trust Him now, either. This is my flaw. This is my enemy. This is my pain.

I want to trust God. I just don’t know how. Unfortunately, I see God as human in my eyes. I know Him to be the Creator of heaven and earth and of all good things. I know Him to be all powerful. I know Him as the Father. But none of that makes any sense in my tiny human brain. I am constantly comparing God the Father, to god my father. And that’s not a good vision, because my father doesn’t love me very much and left me when I was five. My father has instigated arguments and mistreated me with incredibly unkind words. He throws my past mistakes in my face at every possible chance he gets. He withholds his favor from me to shower it on his other daughter. In my times of need, he is never there for me and usually always makes me feel worse by shaming or guilting me into believing I am the problem for all my problems. I understand that kind of “love.” It’s the real deal that I can’t grasp.  

As I watch the world crash down around me, it’s hard sometimes to keep my eyes on God. When I put my faith in God to move my mountains but the mountains only get bigger, God gets hidden behind them. When I pray and see no answers, but instead see those for whom I’m praying only getting worse, I see no reason to pray anymore for fear I’m only causing more harm than good.

Learning how to trust God feels impossible, but He doesn’t just want us to, He commands us to. He surprises me daily. And yet nothing really changes that matters on paper, but somehow He continues to use me, bless me, and reveal His overflowing mercy in my life.

We should trust God, but when we don’t, that’s okay. He knows our limitations. He knows our heart and our desires. He knows we want to, which is why He never leaves nor forsakes us.

What are you not trusting God with today? What is holding you back? What are the big things in your life that feel “abandoned” by God? Talk to God about these things and let Him know your deep desire to trust Him completely.

I also welcome any feedback on what you’re going through and your trust issues with God. Maybe then I won’t feel so alone in my battle.

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